Yo heart 305

I've been on the verge of deleting this blog but with a stroke of genius I've found a new purpose and direction. You see, I am a South Florida native but I am not a Miami native. I grew up in a rural area just outside of Miami called, Southwest Ranches. Southwest Ranches is located in West Broward County in between Pembroke Pines and Weston. It's about 15 minutes away from the Dade/Broward lines but it felt like it was worlds apart. My overprotective mother would not allow me to go to Miami because she thought that all hell broke loose once you crossed the Dade/Broward line. I started sneaking over to Hialeah when I was about 15 and I tried to get over there as much as I could. I found a Miami boyfriend and Miami friends and I longed to be from there. When I was 22 years old, my parents sold their house and I finally moved to Miami on my own.

I have a love/hate relationship with Miami. I have been trying to get out of Miami for as long as I can remember but I just can't shake her. As soon as I get close to leaving, I realize that I am completely in love with her. I do hope that one day I will move to a big city in the Northeast but until then, I will turn this blog into a love letter to Miami.

3-0-5 'til I die!

Random rant

I don't behave a certain way and a lot of times I say things that I'm not supposed to. That's who I am and I'm not changing that because if that's how you judge me, then you are a surface person and I want more than that.

Sometimes a man gets carried away,
When he feels like he should be having his fun
Much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that, really,
He has no-one...

Moving to Austin?

Totally random, I know. I just came back from a trip to Austin. My homegirl Rachel has been trying to get me to move there so other than wanting to visit her, I wanted to scope it out for consideration. Moving my focus from New York to Austin is like comparing apples to oranges. I LOVE NYC. LOVE IT. I love the buildings, I love the dirty streets, I love the bums, I love the parks, I love the rude people, I love everything about the city. I don't love Austin the city. It's okay. It's weird because it's really, really small. The downtown area is tiny and the rest of it is surrounded by highways. The houses are all really cute. They're not houses that I'd love to have but they're really cute.

I liked Austin because it made me feel relaxed and free and happy. Granted, I was on vacation but I feel like that sentiment would last if I lived there. I don't know how to describe this really but I've been exhausted. Not just lack of sleep and in need of a good weekend tired, but mentally and physically drained. With the changes at my job and the end of school, I am so worn down. I don't feel like I have the energy to move to New York. Austin would be a pretty easy transition for me. I have Rachel there to help me with a lot of stuff and I feel like she will take care of me. I need to be around friends right now. I like Austin because of the people. Everyone that I met was so cool and interesting and the people that I didn't meet seemed like they would be cool and interesting. Austin would be a temporary move. Something to get me out of Miami and start life as an adult. A place to get my footing and to use it as leverage to get to New York. It's cheaper than Miami so I could save some money and get experience at a base level job so I can move to NYC with a better career. My ideal timeframe in ATX would be 2-3 years. Anyway, here's my list of goals if I were to move to Austin:

1) Lose some weight in my arms and get my El Dia de Los Muertos themed sleeve.
2) Get back into yoga.
3) Get back into dance.
4) Get back into reading, writing and start painting.
5) See lots of live music.
6) Learn how to be more active.

When I move to New York...

When I move to New York...

...
I'm going to be skinny and way more of a bitch.

New Yorker's are going to think I'm the brunette Rainbow Brite. They are going to be like, "Who is this chunky bitch wearing all of these bright colors?"

I'm going to be way more awesome.

I'm going to be an even more pretentious hipster.

I'm going to be way more of a slut.

I'm going to do things alone and not give a fuck.

I'm going to have an awesome apartment.

I'm going to photo-document this whole thing and publish it into a book.

I'm going to be way more of a narcissist.

I'm going to read more.

I'm going to have a smart, cute and nice boyfriend.

I'm going to listen to way more awesome music and go to a lot of shows.

I will be so happy.

I will still love Miami.

I will refer to my chonga slang as Miami vernacular.

I will still say bro.

I will have way more awesome clothes.

I will go to a lot of broadway shows.

I'm going to lay in the park on a beautiful blanket and read books and eat apples.

I will be a famous homeless lady, "There goes the bag lady that smells like rotten apples."

I will work at Starbucks.

At first, I will date a few douches.

I'm going to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. That's one of the first things that I'm going to do.

I'm going to go to Greenwich Village on Halloween and dress up in an awesome costume.

All of my Halloween's are going to be way more awesome. I'm going to decorate my apartment super spooky.

I will find a guy like Adam Sandler.

I will make sure that my next boo is sexy.

I am going to miss the beach.

My next boyfriend will be adorable.

I will experience way more art.

I get to hang out with my amazing NYC friends like Miss Becky, JoJo, and Luis!

I'm going to eat at Junior's Cheesecake

I am an adult now.

I support myself, I paid my way through college and I am moving myself to NYC. I have a great support system of friends and family that have helped me along the way however; I am the one who has the ambition and motivation to continue my success.

I have learned to ignore lesser bitches because I am a woman. People who play games are jealous and jealousy stems from insecurity.

I have learned that if you are insecure in yourself or your relationship there IS a reason for that. Always trust your instinct.

I have given 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th chances to people who don't deserve them because I understand that we all make mistakes. It's what you do with that second chance that makes all the difference but unfortunately, people will usually let you down.

There are some people who I will always love because I cannot remove the strings from my heart. I will always show them more grace than they deserve.

I try to listen to my friends without judgment because we all make mistakes by doing what we want rather than what we need. An adult already knows the right decision to make but will not always do so. A friend who will listen and accept rather than judge and preach is the person you can confide all of your secrets in.

I am learning to let my walls down and to be honest. I have gotten hurt this way but at least I am mature enough to realize that I went in with an open and honest heart. Can you do the same?

I make mistakes and I will not always do what's right but I can accept responsibility. I can take accountability for my actions instead of giving excuses like a coward.

This is why I can go to bed at night knowing that no matter what happened that day, I can start the next day with my head held high.

Can you?

Aging Positively

In an effort to write more...

At least once a day, my friends and I bitch about getting older. For example, I have had a pain on the side of my back since Tuesday. I have no idea what the hell I did to my back but damn it really hurts. My right foot hurts from my old ass gym sneakers. Here I am with stinky Tiger Balm tingling on my back and I'm walking around like the pimp with a limp. The funny thing is that I kind of like getting older. Don't get me wrong, most of the time I am really stressed out and I wish for the days that I could go back to living with my parents. Sometimes I wish I could have one month of living rent free under their roof. Every time I think about that, I imagine myself lying spread eagle on my old bed with the cold air that's paid by my parents blasting on my face. Sometimes that image is heaven.

Back when I could do that, I couldn't wait to get out of the house. I hated my old house. It was old and tiny and on this huge acre plus lawn. I wanted to live in an apartment. Now that I live in an apartment and not in a single-family ranch style home on a highly coveted piece of land, I realize what an idiot I was.

The point is that as I grow older, I get to know myself better. I am constantly figuring out what I want in life. I have learned from my past and now I try to choose the more responsible decision rather than the impulsive decision that I know will hurt me in the end. Well, most of the time anyway.

Something that I've learned as I get older is how important interaction with people is to our existence. I used to crave being alone. I still do but I need to have some type of contact where I didn't feel that before. Sometimes I will have customers come into my job and every so often they will share with us a story about their life. I have noticed that sometimes the story is told to exactly the right person who needs to hear it. One of my co-workers had a pretty hard time when her mother passed away. It seems like she tends to get customers who have also lost their mothers and I have seen her cry with customers and each time I feel like she heals a little bit. If I got the same customer, I would feel bad for them but I would not be able to share with their emotions like she could.

Every person in my job depends on me so much that it can be overwhelming. If I'm having a bad day, it never fails that I will have a day where I am pulled in a million different directions. Whenever I feel like I'm reaching my breaking point, I'll get one of my familiar customers and sometimes they will say something so sincerely that it really breaks me out of my funk.

I have this customer who always comes in after 4:30 p.m. Usually when a customer comes in that late, we let out a little groan. It's always that "late" customer who comes in and has a million ridiculous problems and makes us stay until after closing time. Anyway, this customer always comes in after 4:30 p.m. and she bounces in with the biggest smile. She is about 4 foot 10" and probably in her late fifties. She has short, curly gray hair and I know that she works in an elementary school. In my mind, she teaches kindergarten because I cannot imagine a more perfect kindergarten teacher. She hurries inside and she speaks excitedly with a bit of a girlish tone. She always apologizes for coming in late and she babbles on and on about how she's always so sorry that she comes in late but she had had to pay for her policy, etc. I don't care if I just found out that I had cancer, it is impossible for me not to smile when she walks inside. Her smile and her bubbly attitude are so infectious. She has no idea how many bad days she has saved me from just by walking in that door.

I think that we have all at some point saved each other. Whether it be the way we held open a door for someone or genuinely telling your friend that you accept them for who they are, we all need each other. That is why I sometimes find life so beautiful.